Wrapped in my papoose

I know I might have seemed a tad pissed off yesterday (mainly because I was).

Yeah, sure I panicked and was a smidge more dramatic than I needed to.., but the whole thing was just so vile, offensive and generally disgusting that it made me feel icky all day.
Not good when one desperately needs to get at least sóme studying done.

And as if the whole creaky, old public-masturbator-debacle wasn't bad enough, I got attacked by a pigeon today. Again (It is ideed not the first time this has happened to me, I don't know what else to tell you...they are vicious little creatures).

Winged vermin.

Pigeons, in my opinion, are perhaps the most vile, grotesque birds on the planet....Between the way they bob their heads, their orange, crinkly claws, the feathers or their creepy cooing and moaning, they are absolutely disgusting...and they seem to hate me right back.


But I'm all better now, I am finally getting over the trauma of having a zit on my face that is so ripe, it repels makeup. (I am disgusting, I have been told this before) However, my new Clinique cover-up-stick-thingie is no match for this bad ass mother fucker. Victory!

Howdey matey!

Why does this kind of thing allways happen to me....

While walking down the street this morning, I saw this old man standing by the large floor to ceiling windows of a department store (the INNO in the Veldstraat, if you must know).
Now, he was probably about 60-70 years old and at this point I could only see him from behind but from that angle he seemed to be making a hand movement that could only be one thing... This registered in my mind, but it took me a few minutes to put it together, that this guy was actually masturbating on the sidewalk. So I turned my head back around and I swear to you, there was absolutely no mistaking that he was standing there in plain view just going to town. At this point I think he saw me out of the corner of his eye because he turns around and makes this ridiculous “OH” face while he slowly covers his erm...area with his coat.

At 8 'o clock in the morning that is just not something you want to see.

So,


Dear public masturbator,

Allthough public masturbation of any sort is illegal (and disgusting), most public masturbators choose to do so the relative privacy of a public bathroom, public transportation, libraries, dressing room, etc... I'd like to recommend that to you.

I've had the unfortunate experience of overhearing guys masturbate in these 'situations', but it's not nearly as disgusting and day-ruining as seeing a man standing at in the middle of the street jerking off.--and this is just so you know--Turning your back to me doesn't shield what you're doing as your arm is still moving and because the only sound I hear is your breathing, I can only assume you're not, say, shellacking the wall or, say, caulking it.

In the above very unfortunate incident, I was simply too shocked to report what happened or tell you to stop. Please be aware that, the next time, I will not be so inclined, now that I'm prepared to see another self-lover the next time I need to relieve myself.

Respectfully yours,
Stephanie.

Humor covers up an inner poverty, a certain lack of depth.

My dog doesn't do cutesy dog tricks; they're too good for her.
She won't shake, rollover, play dead, run circles, jump rope or kiss on command.

She does, however have these little games she likes to play:

The In-Out game: Stand in the open doorway just enough so I can't shut the door, or wait until I start to close it and stick your head out. Another fun variation is beg and whine to go outside then run back and forth before I can shut the door.

Morning Nose Game: First go stick your nose in the toilet. Then stick it under the covers and against the first bare skin you can find.

Hide and Seek: Dig with your feet on the bed when I am sleeping until all the covers are the floor and you find me.

Hide the Present: Find something smelly and hide it in the house somewhere.

Rotten dog.

You know, I used to read Stephen King and other great horror books all the time, but I had to stop a few years ago. It seemed like she would wait until around midnight (I'm a night owl reader) and then do the "growl at nothing" or bark like there's an axe murderer in the next room.
Nice huh?

Hippety hoppety

What is with American toilets?Seriously people, why so much water?I mean, why would you want to see anything floating around in there? Really? I think there's just something really, really wrong about that...

And another thing:
I’ve been mistaken for German a few times. But maybe that’s just because I look REALLY German. When my cheeks are red, I look like I should be on a Kinder wrapper or something… Damn my amahzing good looks!

The evil handpuppets are omnipresent...

I know I was supposed to study today and to be honest, I DID give it a fair shot today (as I did yesterday), but I just can't seem to bring myself to open a book and get to it. Yes, well, maybe tomorrow, right?

So this is what I've been doing today, instead of the horribly important task of actually getting some studying done.

-"getting ready", which involved, lying on my bed, painting all but two of my nails (not deliberate)as well as some showering/hairdrying/clothes-choosing basics.

-I lay in the garden watching the freckles land gently on my arms for a while before I got frostbite on the tip of my nose.(I refuse to stay inside, it's May allready for fuck's sake!)

-I talked to my parents for a while. (you see what kind of sad, desperate, excuse for a lemur I have become)

-I thought long and hard about shoes. All kinds, sexy shoes, retro shoes, vintage pumps, wedge shoes, ballet flats, GoGo boots, mary janes, platform shoes, stilletto's, stripper shoes,...



(I am finding it difficult to write anything, due to the fact that there is a man opposite me in the Internet café who keeps popping his head over the partition and waving cheerily at me. At first I smiled cautiously but politely back, and now I am studiously ignoring him. It is most off-putting.)



-messing around on the Internet, talking on the phone and other such unrelated activities.

-Writing 'BOOBIES' on my calculator many, many times.

- Making confetti out of the hole-punch debris I made using the hole-punchy-thingy.

-Developing a different characters for myself every day to send via text message to my friend Fruit. These have included Greta the evil German scienist who is semi-narcoleptic and fervently believes that sperm is good for the skin and hair, Tulip the Colombian flamenco dancer and Sally-Ann the apple-picker from the Mid-West, who has six fingers on her left hand and four on her right and can crush whole walnuts with her thighs.

-Perfecting my plans to take over the world via the medium of ponies.

-There are others. But mainly I have just been trying to stay awake.

So, all in all, I would have to say this has been quite a productive day indeed!

Sois belle et tais-toi (shut up & look pretty)

Yes people, I know I might seem a little boy-crazy lately.

But I can't help it, I'm a libra and we like to have nice things around...

Butterfingers

I hate this weather we're having lately.
It's all cold and rainy ánd it makes my hair go all poofy.

Pony love

Long time no see right?
Ah, yes, I have to say, I quite missed this little blog and due to popular demand I've decided to start it up again...

I have also gotten back into the habit of ridiculing myself in front of an audience...
But, I swear the tripping over every possible little thing and as a result of this falling flat on my face quite often, is entirely due to a middle-ear problem I seem to have.

It is a serious affliction, I am NOT CLUMSY.

Seriously people, try to remember, okay?
You know you should really not make fun of the handicapped.

Although, the falling and skidding over the floor would have been pretty funny, if only it hadn'd happened to me...

Ah, well, at least this time, a really cute guy had the decency to help me up. Score!

In the beginning...

Ugghhh...Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Stephanie. She is adamantly against online diaries. She wonders what compelled her to start one. She'd like to explain it to you, but only if you are naked. That's better. Now we can begin.

Exhibit A: Stephanie's Recurring Boredom. Why else would I (she) be talking in the third person? Anyways, this is a good place to dick around when I COULD be doing some actual studying >insert rant about crappy motivation<.
This is for purely my own entertainment. Ya know how people talk to themselves sometimes? Yeah, it's kind of like that. except web-core. So if you are reading it, wonder to yourself why I gave you the link. I was probably drunk. Slap yourself.

Exhibit B: There is no Exhibit B. Exhibit B chose simply not to exist There you have it, an exhaustively researched essay on Stephanie's tendency to waste time by writing long-winded, verbose essays for her own humor. Time for a short break. Don't touch that dial!