In the haze of an extra choc-ice

Have you seen my 85,000 year old neighbor man? I suspect him of slipping a roofie into the bottled water he gave me yesterday when I saw him shuffling around outside muttering "no drinking water, no drinking water"..

Do not be fooled. He is not who he is claiming to be. He is going by the alias "Gilbert", but that's all it is, an alias.

He is wanted in 49 states for fraud, the robbery of a produce market, and lewd conduct. He is also wanted for questioning in the stampede that led to Billy Joel's untimely death. He is considered unarmed, but extremely dangerous, especially when confronted or fed potatoes. He already got me to agree to spend an evening with him by throwing me off with that "did he say spend an evening with me or do you grow beets?" thing, it's pretty clear I'm a sure thing, isn't it? But let's not get into that right now, the important thing here is that if you see this geriatric do not try to apprehend him yourself. Leave it to the professionals.

I beg of you, call your local Monkey Catcher and put your tax dollars to work. A $50,000,000,000,000 reward, payable in yellow m&m's only, will be offered for the capture of this doddering deviant (indeed, I'm all about alliteration).